I wish I could teleport
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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