Your face is a jimmy john
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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