Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
