I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize
