shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
