never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I would fuck him just for his dog
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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