A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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