wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
