Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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