If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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