Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
