im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
