i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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