stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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