You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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