I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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