threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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