Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
