dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
