Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
