you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
