It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So here I am, sexting at work.
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