I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
