Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
