why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
