in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize