I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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