foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
lol hangovers are for mortals.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
