Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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