Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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