so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
