I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
