he told me I talked like a deaf person
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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