you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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