I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
