Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
