yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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