he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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