3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize