Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
