Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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