the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
