so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I want a musical about memes.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
