Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
