Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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