Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
