I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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