I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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