I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
