If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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