I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He? As in you personified your dick?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
