all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
