apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
