My Higher Power is John Stamos
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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