i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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