last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
